The Seasons Will Change Us New
by CrimsonPetrichor
Summary: This is not how Beca saw it happening.


**A/N: If this fic had a subtitle, it would be _"Don't have feelings about fictional characters and then marathon Doctor Who, because it'll ruin your life and all you'll have to show for it is a 6,000 word fanfic."_  
**

**Okay. So this was really more of a writing challenge for me than anything else- I got rather comfortable writing cutesy, banter-y Jesse/Beca fics, and I wanted to see if I could take away those crutches and still keep the integrity of the characters.  
**

**I would love it if you dropped me a review and let me know if this worked!**

**Disclaimer: _Pitch Perfect_ isn't mine, the quotations between sections belong to their respective authors, and the title comes from Blind Pilot's "Three Rounds and a Sound."**

* * *

This is not how Beca saw it happening.

She isn't the type to daydream about meeting the parents and having a big white wedding and becoming part of the family, but the Swansons are a tightly knit bunch. Beca knows that the longer she's with Jesse, the more likely she is to meet the whole family. She hasn't _dreamed_ about it, exactly, but as their relationship crosses the one-year mark, she considers the idea with a feeling that tends to bounce between curious anticipation and total panic.

Still, this is not how she saw it happening.

* * *

"_There was a terrible ghastly silence._

_There was a terrible ghastly noise._

_There was a terrible ghastly silence."_

_The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams_

* * *

It starts with a phone call from Cate Swanson.

It's the fact that there's any phone call at all that tells Beca something's wrong. She's met Mr. and Mrs. Swanson, and Mrs. Swanson had insisted on giving Beca her number in case she needed anything (or, the woman had conspiratorially added, if she needed something to blackmail Jesse with), but they don't really talk on the phone. Ever.

The second clue is Cate's voice. Usually, she's warm and animated, just like her son. Today, her voice is so shaky that it takes her twice as long to get her sentences out. Still, as soon as the words, "I need you to go check on Jesse" leave her mouth, Beca springs to action like she's just been given an order.

She doesn't even know what she says to Mrs. Swanson before ending the call; she barely hears the explanation that's provided. She's out the door before the call has even finished hanging up.

Beca searches for an hour, shaking down Benji, the Trebles, and every one of Jesse's acquaintances for any information on where he might be. She gets nowhere until Unicycle runs into her on the quad and mentions that he saw Jesse headed for the music and arts building almost an hour ago.

She finally finds him in one of the music theory practice rooms, just staring at the piano in front of him. He's completely silent, and if he's noticed that she has just entered the room, he certainly doesn't show it. It's one of the most unnerving things she's ever seen, Beca thinks. She's seen Jesse happy, sad, excited, angry- but to see him totally blank? It's unnerving. She's never not been able to tell what's going through his head, and now the only thing she's sure of is that he's breathing.

Beca doesn't even know what to say. Should she say anything? Should she stick around to make sure that he's okay? Should she just pretend that she was never here and let him sort things out his way? (The third option seems incredibly appealing in the face of her total loss for words, but this is Jesse and she can't just walk away, not when he's like this.)

She swallows her own apprehension and though she's got nothing to say afterwards, she breaks the room's deafening silence by saying his name.

He whirls around to look at her, furrowing his eyebrows a little like he can't quite believe that she's there. When he finally speaks, his voice is hoarse. "Beca? What are you doing here?"

"I, uh- I heard what happened," she says softly.

"My mom called you." It's not a question.

"She's worried about you," Beca says. "So am I."

Jesse speaks slowly, like he's weighing each word before he says it. "I'm better off on my own right now."

"Bullshit," she replies, sitting down next to him and taking his hand in hers.

"You know, things aren't magically going to get better just because you refuse to leave," he snaps.

(But he doesn't pull his hand away.)

* * *

"_Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."_

_The Princess Bride, William Goldman  
_

* * *

Beca is no stranger to getting screwed over by life. There have been points of time where it was pretty much her default setting.

The lessons that she's taken away haven't come cheap, but if there's one thing that she's been taught over and over, it's that there's never a way to see it coming. All that anyone can know is that it'll come someday and the only way to get through it is to come out fighting.

When Jesse can finally bring himself to talk to her, there's not an ounce of fight left in him. It breaks Beca's heart a little, watching him explain to her that the family member in critical condition right now is his Grandpa Henry, the very same man who got him into movies, who taught him to play piano, who never missed a single one of Jesse's performances in high school. Beca's never met him, but as Jesse starts to regale her with stories, she realizes that if her boyfriend's goofiness and sense of humor are inherited, they must have come from him.

(He forgot the ring when he proposed to his wife, made one for her out of a twist tie, and then discovered that she'd been keeping it in her purse all along.)

(When Jesse's dad went on his first date with Cate and didn't tell Henry, he somehow found out, "ran into them" at the pizza place they'd gone to, playing dumb and refusing to leave until his son came clean.)

(When he was in rehab after his knee replacement, he got bored sitting around all day, so he started to play pranks on the orderlies to amuse himself and his roommate- who, by the way, Beca is picturing as a geriatric Benji, because that's the only thing that makes sense. The facility's administrators still haven't figured out who the culprit was.)

The stories that he tells her make her laugh, but it's bittersweet because she knows he's resigned himself to never seeing this man again. Jesse doesn't see the point in fighting inevitability, but watching him like this makes Beca- who sometimes finds it inconvenient to go to the _grocery store_ for her family- want nothing more than to do just that.

"Where does he live?" she asks Jesse abruptly, interrupting a story about the little league team that Henry once coached.

"What?"

"Henry. Where does he live? I mean like, right now, where is he?"

Jesse still looks confused, but he answers her anyway. "North Carolina- they've got a house near Chapel Hill."

Beca pulls out her phone to check the time, does some calculating in her head, and nods in approval of her own plan. "Get your stuff together," she tells him. "We're leaving in an hour."

* * *

"_Destiny has a history of making my bloodline run the distance."_

"_New Ways to Smile", Omar Holmon_

* * *

It is surprisingly easy for Beca to convince her dad to lend her his car. She wonders if maybe he's just stopped trying to rein her in, but the fact is that Dr. Mitchell has just put his literary analysis skills to good use.

He picks up on the context clues (Beca's worried face, the way that she's wringing her hands), notes the stylistic approach (blunt honesty: "I need the car because I'm driving Jesse to see his dying grandfather in North Carolina,"), and most of all, understands the subtext (she says, "Please, Dad, he needs this," and Dr. Mitchell hears, "Please, Dad, he needs _me_.")

Saying no would be pointless, so instead he hands her the keys, telling her to drive safely and call him when they arrive.

Beca turns to leave, hesitates, then spins around and gives her dad a hug for the first time in years before hurrying out of the house.

* * *

"_The bright day is done, and we are for the dark."_

_Antony and Cleopatra, Shakespeare_

* * *

When she pulls up to the Treble house, Jesse is waiting outside with a bag next to him, but he still seems hesitant. "Beca, you don't have to do this," he says as he walks up to the car. "I can just drive up by myself, you know."

"Yeah, I know. But I just want to make sure you get there okay," Beca says. She pauses for a second, then adds, "I know it's a family thing. You don't have to worry about me hanging around awkwardly. I won't even stick around if you don't want me to. It's just that it's a long drive and-"

She breaks off as Jesse opens one of the doors, throws his bag into the back, and then sits down in the passenger seat. "Thanks, Bec," he says quietly.

Barring Jesse's phone call to his mother and the instructions of the GPS, the car ride is mostly silent. Beca has no clue what to say and so she says nothing at all. Jesse spends most of the ride staring unseeingly out the window. She doesn't blame him.

They stop once, so that they can fill up the car and Beca can grab a cup of coffee and something to eat. Jesse declines her offer of food, but she gets him a burger anyway. As far as she knows, he hasn't eaten anything since the morning, and passing out from hunger would really be the cherry on top of his craptastic day.

When Beca comes back out with her food in hand, she sees that Jesse has stepped out of the car to stretch his legs. She stops, wanting to leave him the privacy afforded by the practically empty parking lot at least for another moment. He rubs his eyes and runs a hand through his hair, letting out a sigh before he gets back into the car. The look on his face is so defeated that it makes Beca feel completely helpless. Suddenly she wonders if she's doing the right thing. She doesn't mention it, though, and if Jesse's eyes are a little red-rimmed and his voice is a little heavy when he thanks her for the food, Beca just pretends to not notice.

They get back on the road and it gets dark soon after that. Jesse falls asleep at some point, succumbing to the exhaustion that he seems to have been fighting all day. Beca's dying for something to break the monotony- music, conversation, even a completely uninteresting radio show- but Jesse looks more peaceful asleep than he has all day, and she doesn't want to wake him up until she absolutely has to. Unsurprisingly, not too many cars are on the interstate at 9 PM on a Wednesday, so her only company now is the hum of the car and the quiet tapping of rain on the roof.

(She kind of wishes that she wasn't driving, because she's suddenly got the urge to race raindrops on the windows, the way that she did when she was little. Does Jesse know that she used to do that? She should tell him about it sometime, Beca thinks to herself. It'll make him smile.)

It occurs to her that, in a less-than-stunning turn of events, Beca doesn't have a clue what she's going to do with herself when she gets to Jesse's grandparents' house. The Swansons might like her, but grief and tragedy are private things. No one needs a stranger intruding on those moments. It would be ridiculous to turn around and drive back to Barden, but she can't just force herself on them.

Beca wracks her brain, trying to remember if she knows anyone in the area. It's been a long day, though, and she's coming up empty until a truck drives by with the word "Titanium" emblazoned across the side and suddenly Beca remembers that Chloe's getting her Master's degree at Duke. They've stayed friends, and all it takes is a quiet phone call to confirm that Chloe is just too sweet to turn her away after the day she's had. Not for the first time today, Beca feels a surge of gratitude towards the Bellas, past and present.

(After deciding that the drive to North Carolina is her only option, she rushes into her and Amy's apartment to pack a bag and is greeted by the sight of six of the Bellas on their couch. When she tells them what happened, Stacie offers up her car, Cynthia Rose lends Beca her GPS, and Lilly, Ashley, and Jessica all promise to gather up lecture notes from the classes that Jesse and Beca will be missing. There are days when Beca finds herself incredibly aware of just how lucky she is.)

* * *

"_How could I face the faceless days_

_if I should lose you now?"_

"_So Close", Jon McLaughlin_

* * *

It's half an hour later that Jesse gets "woken up" by a boom of thunder that makes it feel like the entire car is shaking. The truth is that he's been awake for a while; he's just pretended to be asleep because he doesn't know how to act around Beca. What she's doing for him means the world, but he doesn't know how to tell her that without completely losing it, and that would just scare her away. Now that the evening's light drizzle has upgraded to a full-out storm, though, there's no way that he can pretend to be asleep anymore.

He opens his eyes and slowly looks around. Beca is entirely focused on the road, although she's also irritably muttering to herself, "Yeah, because what this day really needed was a fucking _torrential_ _downpour_."

He pretends to be less conscious than he actually is as he blearily says, "Beca?"

Her tone of voice immediately softens when she sees that he's awake. "Hi," she says, shooting him a small smile. "Sorry you couldn't sleep longer. I forgot to have a chat with Mother Nature before I left and apparently she hates me."

She'll never admit it, but it stings a little when Jesse doesn't acknowledge her joke. "Where are we?" he asks instead.

Beca sighs. "Just about an hour away."

"Do you need me to take over?"

"Oh, no, I'm fine. Thanks, though," she says with another small smile. He wonders if he should resign himself to never seeing one of her teasing grins again.

It's silent again. Jesse tries to content himself with watching as the flashes of lightning turn the sky purple, telling himself that the thunder is making enough noise for the both of them, but he can't do it.

"Hey, Beca?" he asks tentatively.

"Yeah?" Her eyes are still on the road, but he knows her well enough to tell that he's got most of her attention now.

"I, uh, I was awake a little while ago. I heard you talking to Chloe." Beca stiffens, but she doesn't say anything, so Jesse presses on. "Are you really going to drop me off and go to Durham?"

He's aware- painfully aware- that he sounds like a needy little kid and this is just the brand of clingy that will probably chase Beca away for good, but he just doesn't have the energy to keep a lid on his feelings right now.

"Jesse, this is between you and your family. The last thing that any of you need right now is a random girl muscling in on your grief."

"Beca, you're not _random_. You're one of the most important people in my life," he says honestly.

Beca presses her lips together in a thin line. "And you're one of the most important people in mine. But your family doesn't even know me, Jesse, and this doesn't exactly feel like a great time for introductions. I'd just be an imposition."

"You wouldn't be an imposition."

She sighs loudly. "But I would! I can't do anything to help, I can't make anyone's life any easier- I wouldn't even know what to say to them. Hell, I don't even know what to say to _you_!"

Silence falls in the car, and in the full minute before Jesse speaks, Beca convinces herself that she's ruined everything. Why does she even try to engage with other human beings? When does it not blow up in her face?

"Beca," Jesse begins, "I don't need you to say anything. It- it's just enough to know that you're here. You know that, right?"

Beca's quiet for another moment before she asks, "Do you want me to stay?"

Jesse looks down at his shoes, nodding. "Yeah. Yeah, I do."

"Okay, then."

"Okay."

* * *

"_And still to come, the worst part and you know it._

_There is a numbness in your heart and it's growing."_

"_A Comet Appears", The Shins_

* * *

It's nearly eleven when they pull up in front of the Swanson house. Cate must have been watching from a window, waiting for them to arrive, because as soon as Beca pulls the key out of the ignition, the front door opens to reveal her standing there expectantly.

Jesse immediately undoes his seatbelt, but he hesitates to leave the car when he notices that Beca is just sitting there.

"I'm coming," she assures him. "But I have to call my dad and Chloe first."

He seems satisfied with her answer, because he grabs his bag and hurries towards the porch, dropping the backpack to give his mother a hug as soon as she's within reach.

Beca's waiting for her dad to pick up the phone when she hears Mrs. Swanson ask Jesse, "Where's Beca?" and it makes her the slightest bit less nervous to think that at least one person is expecting her. She lets her dad know that she made it in one piece, then calls Chloe to apologize for the false alarm and promise a visit when she's free. Once that's done with, she takes a moment in the car to steel herself for what's about to happen, repeating Jesse's words in her head- "It's just enough to know that you're here"- and hoping to any deity who's listening that it's true.

Beca grabs her bag from the backseat, throws in her phone, and sprints to the open front door, trying not to get drenched. As soon as she crosses the house's threshold, she's engulfed in a hug by Cate Swanson. Beca hesitantly hugs her back and when she's finally released, she's steered into what looks like the living room. Jesse is in the corner, speaking seriously to a woman who must be his grandmother.

Cate clears her throat and they both turn to look in her direction. "Norah, this is Beca. She's Jesse's girlfriend. They've been together for…" Cate trails off, glancing between her son and his girlfriend for a number.

In unison, they say, "A year and a half."

There's still a sadness in her eyes, but Jesse's grandmother smiles as soon as she catches sight of Beca. "Oh, my," Norah says, walking up to her, "aren't you just stunning? When Jesse said you were the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, I thought he was exaggerating."

Beca feels her face flush and her reflex is to use the self-deprecating humor that she's so good at. "He was," she says with a smile, "but everyone looks better after running through the rain; it's one of the laws of nature."

The quip inspires Jesse's first smile of the day, a little grin directed at the floor. "Beca's about as bad at accepting compliments as she is beautiful, Grandma," he says, making his way over to them and putting his arms around his grandmother. "We're working on that."

"Well, you'd better make it work fast, because Henry's going to be full of compliments when he meets her," Norah says, matter-of-factly.

Beca's about to backpedal and tell them that she couldn't possibly intrude on family visiting hours, but she looks at Jesse, who seems so pleased that Norah likes her, and at Cate, who's looking at them both with such fondness that it surprises her. She can't say no, not to this family, so she just smiles and doesn't say anything at all.

Norah makes some comment about how Jesse's hands are like ice and insists on making chamomile tea for him and Beca, beckoning for them to follow her into the kitchen. Beca's about to when Cate stops her.

"Beca," she says, "I just wanted you to know how grateful I am for you. Not just because you brought him here, I mean I'm thankful that you're part of his life. I don't know what he'd do without you."

"You know, I'm not really sure what I'd do without him, either," Beca replies honestly, and this time Mrs. Swanson actually tears up.

* * *

"_I believe in Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. _

_But I also believe in anomalies: anything that can go wrong will get better."_

"_Anatomy of a Prayer", Omar Holmon_

* * *

Jesse is right. Henry might be one of the funniest people she's ever met.

The man is aware that he's dying, and yet he spends the whole time cracking jokes like he's just in for a check-up. For some twisted reason, Beca's the least uncomfortable when they're by his bedside.

He recognizes her when she walks into the room. (It can't be that hard, obviously, since the other people present are his wife, daughter-in-law, son, and grandson, but still. It makes Beca feel a little bit special all the same.)

The grin that crosses his face when his family walks in is one that Beca knows well- she's seen it on Jesse a million times. He gives them all once-overs, takes a moment to mock his son ("That's a terrible shirt. Who bought that for you?" "I'm pretty sure you did." "Well, that figures. Why would you ever wear a shirt that I bought you?"), and then notices the petite brunette standing next to Jesse.

"You must be Beca. And don't bother saying yes, because I know it's true. He's got your picture in his wallet," Henry says with a smile, gesturing to his grandson. He turns to Jesse. "What are you, sixty? You can't keep her picture in your phone?"

Beca muffles a laugh and it earns her another Swanson grin from Henry. "See? She thinks I'm funny. That's good; I appreciate it. Makes up for the fact that you don't like movies."

She turns to look up incredulously at her boyfriend. "Seriously, Jesse?"

"What? He _asked_ me," Jesse says innocently.

When Beca turns to look at Henry for confirmation, he shakes his head. "Now, that's not entirely true. The question that I asked was, 'How's college?' His answer was, 'Gramps, I'm in love with a girl who doesn't even like movies.'"

This time, everyone laughs, but then a nurse bustles in and yells at them, saying that there are too many people in the room and Henry's only allowed one visitor at a time.

Beca is about to leave the room so a family member can sit with him when Henry calls her name and asks her to stick around. Her complete surprise must be pretty evident, because he explains that he wants to talk to her about something and promises to let her leave soon.

Jesse looks just as surprised as she does, but Norah gives her an encouraging smile as the rest of the family leaves the room. Beca's got no clue what to expect as she takes a seat next to Henry's hospital bed, so she just waits for him to talk.

"So tell me," he says, "how did a goofball like my grandson end up with a girl like you?"

She lets out a laugh. "He just kept throwing juice pouches at me until I paid attention to him."

"Sounds about right," Henry laughs.

The nurse from before comes in, pretending to look for something, though Beca's pretty sure that she's just there to make sure that the family has cleared out.

"See?" says Henry, shooting her a charming smile. "Only one visitor now."

"Is she family?" the nurse asks snippily. "She has to be family or she can't be here."

Beca doesn't remember that being a rule, but Henry doesn't miss a beat. "Of course she's family. She's my granddaughter-in-law," he says easily.

The nurse looks at Beca skeptically. "Oh, really?"

"Shotgun wedding," Beca chirps, pasting on a smile and gesturing to her stomach.

Nurse Ratchet (oh God, did she really just make a movie reference _in her own head_?) leaves the room, rolling her eyes at them, and Beca can't help but laugh.

Henry is looking at her amusedly and even though she knows what's going to happen to him soon, Beca hopes beyond hope that it's not the case. She wants Henry to pull through; she wants him to see them compete at Lincoln Center this year; she wants to see him when they graduate from college, mocking Jesse's choice of tie but cheering when he crosses the stage. She knows that it'll never happen, though, and she feels her heart break a little at the thought of it.

She snaps out of it and looks up at Henry again, shooting him a smile. "Sorry, you said that you wanted to talk to me about something?"

"Oh, I did. I just- I wanted to ask you if Jesse makes you happy."

The question takes her by surprise, but the smile on her face at the very mention of Jesse's name is answer enough for Henry. "Yes. Yeah, he does," she says.

There's a pause before Henry asks his next question. "Do you love him?"

Beca's not sure why, but she feels the need to make eye contact with Henry when she answers him. If he's going to die, she wants him to die knowing that his favorite grandchild is loved, even if it's by a sometimes emotionally stunted alt-girl who's more fluent in sarcasm than English. She has no clue how to put into words what Jesse means to her, so she just nods, hoping that he'll understand how sincere she is.

He does. "Good. That's good," Henry says, looking like a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. "Now, I won't make you stay and waste your life with an occasionally funny senior citizen. You can go; just send Jesse in when you see him."

"Henry?" The man in question looks over at her. "I'm really glad I got the chance to meet you," Beca says as she stands up.

"Likewise, Beca," he says, and it's infused with that Swanson sincerity that's so familiar, it makes her heart ache.

She leaves the room and immediately excuses herself to spend a good five minutes splashing water on her face, because that's the best way to mask the tears that have inexplicably decided to fall. (What right does she have to cry about his death anyway? She's known him for all of _ten minutes_. Jesse's known him for _twenty years_ and even he's holding it together better than she is.)

When it's Jesse's turn to see Henry, he expects the conversation to open with small talk- college, the weather, how the trip was. Instead, as soon as he sits down, his grandfather says, "That is one hell of a dame."

Jesse shakes his head and lets out a laugh. "You like her, Gramps?"

"I do. She's what we used to call a firecracker back in the day."

"I think firecracker might be an understatement, actually," Jesse says, and the smile that appears on his face is one of the ones that Benji categorizes as 'Beca-induced.'

(Benji's not a stalker; he swears. It's just that identifying those smiles is a pretty good way of figuring out whether Beca is on her way to the dorm, or if she's just left, or if she is in fact currently hiding under the bed in a state of undress. And while that last one only ever happened once, he maintains that it's still a useful tool to have in your back pocket.)

Henry laughs at that. Then, he completely throws his grandson off by asking, "You want to marry her, don't you?"

Jesse's eyes widen. "What? Me and Beca? Married? I didn't say anything about-"

"No, no, not now," Henry says exasperatedly. "I mean, the way you look at her- you want to marry her someday, right?"

Blushing profusely, Jesse speaks to the ground rather than his grandfather. "Yeah, someday."

"Good. You'll make each other happy."

And then the conversation turns to other things- movies and a cappella and how Jesse's classes are going. Jesse thinks that if he closed his eyes and blocked out the beeping of all the different monitors, it would be like Henry wasn't sick at all- like they were just at home, talking about nonsense to pass the time. It's nice to forget, even if it's just for a minute. Henry doesn't even really seem that sick, and he's always been a fighter. Something about seeing him like this gives Jesse hope.

Later that day, when they're on their way back, Beca feels her heart sink as Jesse says to her, "I don't know, Bec. I can't help but feel like maybe he's going to make it."

* * *

"_The rest is silence."_

_Hamlet, William Shakespeare_

* * *

Henry doesn't make it.

* * *

"_Come stop your crying, it will be alright._

_Just take my hand and hold it tight."_

"_You'll Be in My Heart", Phil Collins_

* * *

Beca doesn't know how long she's been staring at the floor.

When they get the news from Norah, Cate lets out this strangled cry and her knees give way. Jesse's eyes widen in horror, but he doesn't make a sound. Mr. Swanson sinks into the sofa, his head in his hands. Beca feels a little bit like someone just punched her in the stomach, but she knows that it's nothing compared to how the others feel. That outsider feeling comes creeping back and she quietly makes her way up to her room, leaving the Swansons to be a family without spectators.

She's chosen to wedge herself into the corner between the armoire and the dressing table, because tragedy has always given her the urge to hide, and though she's still staring at the wooden floor, she stopped seeing it a while ago.

The knock at the door startles her, and she gets up to open it, figuring that Cate needs her to do something for someone. What she doesn't expect is Jesse, whose lips are on hers as soon as he steps into the room.

They stumble backwards and his arms go around her to keep her from falling. It's not a sweet kiss or a romantic kiss or even a tragic one; it's hard and desperate, and Beca knows that this is more about trying to feel something other than pain than it is about love. When they break apart, Jesse is clinging to her like she's the only thing keeping his feet on the ground, and all that Beca can do is hold him.

The tears start at some point; she can't remember when. They're punctuated by the stream of questions that he mumbles into her hair. ("Why did this have to happen? Why him? Why didn't he get more time? Why didn't we get more time? Why the fuck did it fucking have to be him, Beca?")

And there are tears in her eyes, too, but she just rubs his back and murmurs comforting things until the sobs have stopped wracking his body. ("Shh, it's okay. I'm here. I'm here. I promise it'll be okay. Everything's going to be okay.")

When neither one of them can cry anymore, they sit on the edge of her bed in silence. Jesse's arms are still around her, like he's scared she'll disappear if he lets go.

"You'll get through this, okay?" Beca says finally, sounding more confident than she actually feels. "I know it seems impossible, but you'll get through this."

Jesse nods dumbly. He's not sure why, but some part of him just can't help but believe her.

* * *

"_I've been looking for a word. A big, complicated word, but so sad. I've found it now."_

"_What word?"_

"_Alive. I'm alive."_

"_Alive isn't sad."_

"_It's sad when it's over."_

_Doctor Who: The Doctor's Wife, Neil Gaiman_

* * *

This is not how Beca pictured this happening.

She feels like she's met every member of the family, but she couldn't tell you their names or how they're part of the family or even what they look like. Her mind is still stuck on Henry- wonderful, funny Henry who was awake and joking with her a few hours before he was gone forever. She's forgone the ear spike and the eye makeup for the funeral, though part of her thinks that he would have found it funny if she hadn't.

Beca is no stranger to getting screwed over by life, and the second lesson that she's learned is this: bracing yourself for the pain doesn't mean that it won't still hurt like hell. She's not the greatest with words, so instead she just does anything that she can to make the day the slightest bit less awful for Norah and the rest of the family. She deals with the inevitable barrage of casseroles from the neighbors, answers all the condolence phone calls when no one else wants to deal with them, and forces the people in the house to actually eat something before they all faint.

Beca doesn't expect thank-yous from anyone, but she gets them anyway: a grateful nod from Mr. Swanson when she saves him from a phone call, a hug from Cate when Beca answers the door for the millionth time that hour, the kiss that Jesse presses to her hand when she brings Norah a cup of tea and makes her sit down for a few minutes. She's still convinced that she could probably be doing more, though, until she goes to put a third lasagna in the fridge and hears Norah talking to the woman who lives next door.

"Heaven couldn't send us a miracle. They were out of those," she's saying. "So they sent us that girl instead, because I guess they figured we could at least use an angel."

"What was her name again?" the neighbor asks.

"Beca."

Tears spring to Beca's eyes, and she blinks them back as best she can before she makes her way into the kitchen and asks if she can help with anything. (Beca's always been more of a doer than a talker, anyway.) She tries to keep moving the whole time, partly because she wants to help, but also because as long as she's doing other things, she doesn't have to think about how sad she is or how completely fucking _unfair_ this all is.

Beca spent a large portion of life operating under the philosophy that life sucked, and it sucked even worse when you got attached to other people because people never stuck around. This is all just a neat little reminder that, under that philosophy, Beca's pretty much screwed, because now she's got a million little attachments to people and she can't imagine her life without them- Jesse and the Bellas and the interns that she tortures at the radio station and hell, even her parents and Sheila. Don't get her wrong; she prefers her life the way it is now. It's just that being human can be a pretty damn painful thing when it wants to be, and she doesn't exactly know how she'll cope with that when she has to face it.

See? She stopped moving and now she's philosophizing and she's definitely not drunk enough to be dealing with the emotional implications there.

There's not really anything left to be done in the house, so Beca figures the best way to get out of her own head is to get some air. No sooner has she stepped onto the porch than she notices Jesse, sitting on the steps and staring out into the front yard. He doesn't look up, but somehow he knows it's her.

"Hey, Bec," he mumbles.

"Hi," she says quietly, taking a seat next to him.

Jesse instinctively puts an arm around her and she leans into him. These past few days have been all new territory and shots in the dark, so she welcomes the familiarity, reaching for Jesse's hand and interlacing their fingers.

"I'm never going to see him again," Jesse says after a few moments.

Beca doesn't know what she can say, so she just gives his hand a squeeze.

"But I got to say goodbye," he continues, "and I have you to thank for that."

She shakes her head. "You would have gone, too. I just forced you to let me drive you."

"Bec, if you hadn't been here, I don't think I'd have been able to make it to the hospital. You- actually, I have no idea what you do to me. But whatever it is, it makes me braver. And I know that you'll accept this around the same time that you ask Sheila for hairstyling tips, but the fact that you came here with me? The fact that you stayed for all of this when you would have been justified to just walk out and stay with Chloe or something? It means the world to me."

And because he's Jesse Swanson and he just says these things with so much conviction, she finds herself with tears in her eyes (_again_, Jesus Christ, can she not last two seconds in this family's presence without being reduced to a blubbering mess?), but she blinks them back and tilts her head up to look skeptically at him.

"Right, because there was a chance that I was actually going to let you do this alone," Beca says drily. "You mean a lot to me, okay? And I know that I'm crap at showing it and even worse at actually saying it to you, but you don't have to go through this stuff on your own. Not as long as I've got a say in it."

Jesse presses a kiss to the side of her head before murmuring, "Thanks, Beca."

Beca doesn't say anything in response- just nods and keeps hold of his hand, hoping that it's enough.

(In the end, it is.)

* * *

"_What did you see?"_

"_That everything ends."_

"_No, not everything. Not love. Not always."_

_Doctor Who: Hide, Neil Cross_


End file.
